


Only Your Smile Can Move Me

by cloudgyeom



Category: GOT7
Genre: Anxiety, Awkward Tension, Confessions, Drinking, Everything Yugyeom does is blush really, Feels, Fluff, Idiots in Love, Jackson's only briefly mentioned, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Sharing a Bed, Thunderstorms, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, so much feels I almost felt bad for yugyeom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-30 04:18:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17821766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudgyeom/pseuds/cloudgyeom
Summary: Yugyeom takes Bambam to his grandparent's old summer cottage as a getaway from everyday stress. Bambam has some interesting topics and a list for him.





	Only Your Smile Can Move Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hi! I've been working on this Yugbam one shot throughout the start of this year which (unsurprisingly) took me a lot of time and motivation to finish. But here we are, finally, with 8.8k of pure fluff and emotions! Enjoy!
> 
> Title from Got7 - The reason

"I'd like to date someone with a personality like yours.”

 

The sentence is what catches Yugyeom completely off guard during their midnight snack and makes him splutter out a bit of the orange juice he was trying to sip in a civilized manner, drooling it all over his chin and down the collar of his shirt. Bambam chuckles clearly in amusement as Yugyeom slams the glass back on the table before quickly reaching out for a napkin and pushing it under the hem of his shirt to stop the liquid from wetting him any further.

 

It's one of those nights again, when the two of them have sneaked out of the comforts of their own rooms and taken a train to the other side of the town where their so called ”hideout” stands. It's an old cabin like building owned by Yugyeom's grandparents, located by the lake with a view far into the horizon.

 

The place has been one of the duo's favorites since early childhood, and Yugyeom often likes to reminisce the days they were only half their height, playing football and tag in the yard and laughing like careless children should. Nowadays, it has slowly formed into a place Yugyeom often visits with Bambam to recharge whenever they feel the need to free themselves from the real world and just relax for a moment, to feel the fresh nature and let the uneasiness of the hellish university life behind them even for just a couple of hours.

 

In correction, it was  _supposed_  to be relaxing, up until Bambam decided to drop the bomb of suddenly talking about love and feelings. Yugyeom doesn't really know if it's Bambam trying to fish for compliments in return or if it's just him being... well, him, and talking to himself without even realizing it. Those moments happen, too. 

 

It's only when Bambam continues to stare at him expectingly that he gets it, that this is actually supposed to become a conversation, that he's supposed to say something back at some point instead of making it one of their infamous quick discussions that happen once and are never brought up again.

 

”There's nothing great in my personality, really.” Yugyeom says stiffly, uneasiness consuming him bit by bit. The statement comes out a bit ruder than he intended it to, but he's never been good at receiving compliments anyway and Bambam should know that by now.

 

”Yet I want a partner with the same kind?” Bambam raises a brow. ”Are you implying I want someone who's a complete asshole?”

 

”Well, isn't that what you're gonna get if you set your standards  _that_  low?” Yugyeom hums into his bite of bread.

 

At first, it's meant to be a joke, but the more Yugyeom thinks about it, the more those ably buried insecurities inside of him rise as he speaks. He still expects Bambam to laugh, or at least scoff something about Yugyeom being 'too harsh on himself again', but it doesn't come.

 

Instead, he gets a sharp look from the other side of the table, eyes piercing their way straight into Yugyeom's soul in the dim light, or so it feels like, and something in Yugyeom's chest churns as he tries not to choke on the bread as well.

 

”I'm just curious,” Bambam wonders, voice soft. ”Do you really not see what I'm seeing in you?”

 

”What do you mean?” Yugyeom frowns.

 

A pause.

 

His hands grow sweatier as he goes through every possible answer Bambam could give to a question like this, a question so broad. It could be anything, and Yugyeom won't be ready for it. Not now, not ever. So he lowers the breadroll from his lips and back on its plate as he elaborates. ”What am I not seeing?”

 

Bambam shifts in his place and for a moment, Yugyeom almost thinks he's going to leave him without an answer. But then Bambam's rounding the small tv table to scoot closer to him on the floor so their thighs are nearly touching and drops his head back against the couch.

 

”The appeal.” Bambam says to the ceiling. Yugyeom lets out an awkward chuckle.

 

”The appeal?” he repeats. Bambam nods. ”What's so appealing about me?”

 

”You're just...you.”

 

”Well, that was very clarifying.” Yugyeom scoffs, anxiously swallowing around the growing lump in his throat. "Unless you wanted to make this a riddle -- "

 

”Shut up, I don't remember saying I'm done yet.” Bambam whines as he slaps his arm. ”You got to have patience.”

 

His hand settles on Yugyeom's thigh then, giving it a light squeeze and a pat to which Yugyeom jumps a little. It's probably meant to be comforting, an apology for the harsh slap but Yugyeom can't seem to guide his thoughts that way, can only feel the touch lingering on his leg as Bambam doesn't make an effort to move his hand away afterwards but leaves it resting on his denim clothed thigh. The touch is burning hot on Yugyeom's skin even through the jeans, but he doesn't shy away. He doesn't want to be the one making it weird so he endures it and instead, drops his own hand on top of Bambam's, stroking the smooth skin up to where he has a ring on his index finger and plays with it.

 

It's always been like that. It's always been such a tight friendship they've been in so they haven't been awkward about touching eachother. They don't have to ask for proximity since it's something they share naturally. But it still scares Yugyeom, that he's too seethrough, too obvious about his feelings when he should know to hide them. He wonders if Bambam ever stops to think about the extra backhugs Yugyeom gives him, or the words of affection he tries his best to disguise with different metaphors. He wonders if he's the only one to feel chills go down his spine when they're close, or if Bambam feels the shudder too.

 

”There's this soothing aura around you, did you know that?” Bambam cuts off his racing thoughts. Yugyeom can tell he's looking at him, but doesn't dare to check. 

 

”And don't call me cheesy now but I've been thinking... it's not this place that makes me so calm. It's not the cottage or the nature, it's -- ” he pauses to gather his words, seemingly tasting and rolling them around in his mouth to get them out reasonably. His nails dig even further into Yugyeom's thigh out of nervous habit and this time, Yugyeom can't prevent the small hiss that escapes his lips. 

 

”It's always with me, you know, the feeling. Even outside of whatever this world of ours is. It's not the environment that eases me.” Bambam's eyes flick up here, searching for Yugyeom's. ” _You_ do." he says, "And that's only one of the things to like about you.”

 

The unexpected confession causes Yugyeom to duck his head and hide a sharp intake of breath into a shiver of cold, the fingers that were dancing on Bambam's ring coming to a halt as he takes in everything that's been said. He knows he should respond, he's very well aware of that, but it's so much more easier said than done. All he does is dive deeper into the maze of his mind again, trying to understand why Bambam is so gentle with him, why he's giving him so many mixed signals that it's driving him crazy, how he has a way with words only Yugyeom gets to hear.

 

He doesn't get much farther than that before gentle fingers dip under his jaw, tickling, turning his head back so he's facing Bambam again. The touch is so light Yugyeom feels like he's floating on clouds, and then it's all gone and away before he can even think of it. 

 

Oh, and _that's_ close. 

 

Bambam is so close he can differentiate every little detail on his face, every beautiful bit that makes him the person Yugyeom loves the most in this world. He can see how pretty his eyes look this up close, could even count his lashes if he wasn't so afraid of getting caught staring at him for too long. He notices the way Bambam's bleached blonde fringe falls delicately over his forehead, light curls casting shadows on his face in the dull light. And his lips... his lips are a scary topic to Yugyeom. It's what he thinks about only when he's alone, only when he can close his eyes and imagine the soft skin against his instead of it being so far away. Only then does he dare to dream about it, of kissing Bambam.

 

”Say something." Bambam urges him. It's already the second time he has to reel Yugyeom back to reality. ”Earth to Yugyeom, this is the part when you're supposed to answer.”

 

To be completely honest, Yugyeom doesn't know if he can. He doesn't know if he trusts his voice enough to speak, let alone the words threathning to tumble out of his mouth. Without any exaggerating, his heart feels like it's bursting, like it would rip open with a single word from Bambam with how hard it's beating in his chest, and it makes him sick. The words are fighting in his mind, battling eachother for freedom. It's all messing with his rationality, making him see fog, and the next moment Bambam's face blurs in his vision. And then --

 

”Can I hold you?” -- all the air from his lungs seems to fade at once with the last bits of sense he still had left, chest tight like someone had punched him in the ribs. He sees clear again.

 

"It's just -- you've just been so...abnormally tense," Bambam explains, suddenly babbling. "Maybe I could -- maybe it could help?"

 

"You know you dont need to ask." Yugyeom's voice is wavering when he finally finds the courage to answer again. It's almost a whisper, barely audible, and Yugyeom hates himself for it.

 

Bambam only pulls his lips into a thin line as he shrugs, still obviously waiting for a straight answer that takes an infinity amount of time to process in Yugyeom's havocked brains. Whether it'll be affirmative or negative, Yugyeom isn't sure of that either. He knows what he wants, but doesn't know if he should, and at this point Bambam seems to notice it, too, as his eyes soften and break, suddenly falling disappointed. He lifts his head to take a proper look at Yugyeom.

 

”Do you not want to?” he asks timidly, as if Yugyeom would suddenly feel completely repulsed by the idea.

 

”You know the answer to that too, Bam." Yugyeom swallows. ”You know I want to.”

 

It's all he has to say, really. A second later there's a hesitant arm around Yugyeom's shoulder sweeping him into a warm embrace, and his heart skips a beat or few as he feels Bambam run his fingers through over grown hair, brushing it behind his ear as he smiles in relief. 

 

And that smile, Yugyeom knows, is to die for, fatal to his weak system so he shifts his head away from it and drops it so that it's leaning against Bambam's neck, cheek pressed to a collarbone. One of his arms finds its place around Bambam's waist while the other hangs lazily by his side.

 

It's safe like that. It's safe and silent, with the familiar warmth traveling up Yugyeom's body up until it reaches the tips of his ears, and he can only hope Bambam isn't observant enough to notice the red tint on them.

 

"I could tell you more." Bambam whispers. He lowers his chin on top of Yugyeom's messy nest of hair, and Yugyeom's heart races again. By now it already seems to have become a habit every time Bambam talks.

 

"More of what?" he asks quietly, breath on hold as Bambam tightens his arms around him.

 

"Reasons why I like you." he says.

 

And that's it. It's a simple answer to a simple question yet it leaves Yugyeom even more on the edge. His cheeks burn from the hot waves going through his body and he has to remind himself not to give in, to not act hastily and bring up any more suspicions.

 

He knows he should deny it -- deny everything. He should stop Bambam from rambling and going further, for one, because it makes him flush impossibly red. Secondly, because he doesn't know how long he's going to last with his best friend's arms wrapped around him like this, like they should be around someone more important.

 

But it's only ever been Bambam who's given him compliments and attention. It's always been Bambam who's cared about Yugyeom as more than the nerd everyone knows him as. He wants to soak in it, the feeling of being loved and praised, to pretend that what Bambam's saying could actually be something more than platonic. 

 

But at the same time, he has to remind himself to keep both of his feet tightly on the ground to avoid flying straight up into his castle in the sky and ruining everything with his absurd thoughts.

 

It's proven to be way harder than Yugyeom at first expected. Because while Bambam is used to throwing sweet things out in the air like it's nothing ever so often, to Yugyeom they mean the world. He listens to Bambam, he takes the words in and mulls them over for hours after just to end up getting hurt as he finally remembers none of those things mean what Yugyeom wants them to mean.

 

So if he were to listen to Bambam now, he wouldn't sleep for the two following nights. Instead, he'd be thinking, imagining, hoping for the next day to be the one when something inside of Bambam snaps and he'd realise that he loves Yugyeom too. It's ridiculous, really. Yugyeom knows that bit. He's being such a fool losing sleep over someone he'll never get, but if he can't have Bambam in real life, at least he's got his daydreams to keep him sane. 

 

_Sane_ , ironic, as it would be the last word Yugyeom would describe himself with at the moment.

 

It's then that Bambam decides to shift under him for a better position, and before Yugyeom has time to apprehend what's going on, a careful hand slides on his cheek, brushing over it ever so gently before cupping that half of his face, palm warm against his skin.

 

"You asleep already?" Bambam chuckles above him, thumb stroking the area near his nose, right under his eye, and Yugyeom...

 

Well, Yugyeom is losing his goddamn mind.

 

"We can go to bed." Bambam hums. Then with a more serious tone, almost disappointed, he adds, "I didn't know you were this tired."

 

" _I'm not tired, I'm trying to act calm_ ", Yugyeom wants to say, but doesn't. 

 

Instead, he feigns a yawn as if Bambam's assumptions were right and straightens his back a bit but doesn't slip out of his friend's grip yet. Bambam's hand, however, drops from his face and settles back to his side and Yugyeom lets out a bigger huff of relief than he first intended to, finally away from the biggest temptation that is the intimate proximity of Bambam. 

 

Him and his stupidly handsome face and perfect smile. The alluring scent that Yugyeom knows everyone wears but what still only smells good on him. Everything from his ridiculously over exaggerated Gucci cardigans to his complete opposite set of the world's softest hoodies. The protective arms and sweet words, and -- 

 

"For real, Yugyeom," Bambam slaps him gently across the head and nudges him with a leg. "Don't fall asleep on me. Your back will hurt."

 

"I'm not." Yugyeom mumbles, face hot.

 

He feels Bambam's shoulder shake under him in quiet laughter. "Then what's up with -- "

 

A loud crack suddenly rips the sky apart and not long after, lightning illuminates the whole room for a brief second. Yugyeom instinctively flinches further towards Bambam and yelps, legs curling up in reaction to the abrupt boom. Bambam curses under his breath, ready to leap away from the windows but refuses to leave Yugyeom alone and holds onto him tighter, his own limbs coming up to tangle together with Yugyeom's. The rain starts to rattle against the metallic roof of their shelter, loud and ominous.

 

"We should go unplug the electronics." Bambam huffs, hand still on his heart. "Jesus Christ, that scared the shit out of me."

 

But Yugyeom's not listening. He doesn't understand. He's still shaking, anxious and tearing up from how much he got scared, how much he still is, and he hates himself for being such a baby. If there's one thing he's more scared of than his own feelings, it's thunder, so he can't help the whimper leaving his lips or the tears that well up in his eyes as he panics. His arms automatically tighten around Bambam, digging into his shirt and just begging to be as close as possible for it to be safe.

 

"Yugyeom, you're crushing me to death." Bambam jokes at first but sobers when he sees the latter hiccup and take in a shaky breath in between sobs. "Gyeom?" his tone shifts to worried.

 

Yugyeom doesn't answer, only lowers himself on the floor while nuzzling his face into Bambam's chest, shaking, trying to let his nerves calm down. He wants to disappear to hide his shame but before he can completely melt into the ground, Bambam's there to stop him, tying his arms around Yugyeom's waist to pull him back up and secure him.

 

So when the fright finally subsides into a relief and Yugyeom can see something other than blur again, he finds himself lying completely on top of Bambam except for one leg, tightly closed in a soothing embrace. It's probably the worst weight on Bambam, but Yugyeom feels like a feather. As weightless as one, at least. It's like Bambam doesn't even have to know what to do in order for Yugyeom to feel safe, and it feels good as much as it feels fucking terrifying.

 

"Are you okay?" is the first thing Bambam asks as his heart finally slows down and beats normally again. "You're that scared of thunder?"

 

There's another crack somewhere in the sky and Yugyeom shrinks into himself again, only for Bambam to press a tender kiss on his forehead and tug him further towards himself, whispering sweet nothings into his ear for reassurance.

 

"We can close the blinds and put the lights on. You don't have to see anything." he promises. 

 

Yugyeom doesn't reply. A beat passes before Bambam speaks up again. "I knew we should've checked the weather forecast before coming..."

 

Yugyeom swallows with difficulty, because he did. He did check the weather forecast, and he did get disappointed by such bad predictions. It isn't often they can just spontaneously leave everything behind and run away together so the weather was something Yugyeom just had to cope with. And he told himself that he would. He had Bambam, after all.

 

He doesn't even notice disappearing into his own head again until a careful hand settles on the small of his back, radiating heat all throughout his body, and he snaps out of it with a shiver.

 

"Gyeom?" The hand on his back becomes two as Bambam brings them together and squeezes him into an even firmer hug. "What are you thinking about?"

 

"I checked." he blurts out against his will, mouth working on its own before his brains can catch up. His voice is still hoarse from crying, the confession coming out as a weak croak that he feels as a bang in his chest.

 

"I saw the forecast." he lowers his voice into a shaky whisper, suddenly insecure. Bambam catches the anxiety in his tone and immediately frees one of his hands to slide it up and down Yugyeom's back, lightly caressing him in a way he knows gets him out of his over-thinking zone. Though Yugyeom doesn't know if the connection is any good to his heart, the pressure only growing more with every light touch Bambam gives him.

 

"Why didn't you say anything?" Bambam hums, but it's not accusing. "We could've postponed the trip, you know that, right? To a weekend or the next holiday."

 

"I know." Yugyeom mumbles against his shirt, breath still short as an aftermath of the scare. The worst lightning has already gone by so he can relax again but the state doesn't last long, not when he remembers Bambam's arms around him and he starts to ramble again. "I just...you haven't been here in such a long time and I -- I really just wanted you to get a break and have some good time -- "

 

"Us." Bambam corrects him softly, squeezing his side that makes Yugyeom's breath hitch. "You wanted  _us_ to have a good time together, right? You can say it. You deserve to have a break, too." he assures him. "You don't have to always think about me." 

 

_If only it was that easy_ , Yugyeom almost says.

 

He lifts his head up and is met with a smile so sweet he wonders how Bambam doesn't already have everyone swooning over him. Then again, Yugyeom really doesn't know what would happen if Bambam ever came up to him and introduced someone as his lover. He hasn't let himself think about it, that's one of the few things he'd rather leave be than rummage through. An idea of him and Bambam, only the two of them against the world pops in his mind but it makes Yugyeom feel guilty as soon as the realization hits him. He doesn't want to restrict Bambam, doesn't want to be a burden no matter how much he loves him so he stores the thought for later. Meaning, he'll never bring it up again.

 

But,

 

_We don't need anyone else_ , Bambam had once said during their study time.  _As stupid as it sounds, I've always thought of us like this two piece puzzle. You have the tab, I've got the blank and every other edge is straight. There's only room for two._

 

To this day, Yugyeom doesn't know if it was just Bambam's usual nonsense or if he really meant it, but he likes to think positive. And remembering that, he doesn't feel as selfish all the time. It's kind of a confirmation to him, a relief, that Bambam wouldn't wish for other people to meddle with what they have either. He knows that he's important to Bambam, he knows better than well that he's the number one to him, but does only deeply caring about someone hold the same importance as love? 

 

"Let's have a drink?" Bambam suggests then, shifting himself under Yugyeom enough to reach the table and pick the unopened bottle of vodka to himself. Yugyeom slips off Bambam and on the floor next to him, the warmth he got used to suddenly gone and he has to tense his muscles in order not to jump back on him.

 

"Or should we call it a night?" Bambam hesitates, hand stilling on the cap as Yugyeom slumps against the couch. "You look tired."

 

For the first time in a while, Yugyeom manages to push some of his thoughts aside and lets the corner of his mouth pull up into a small smile. It's not often he drinks but getting through a night like this with Bambam wouldn't be possible completely sober. It just wouldn't work without some encouragement. So, "No, let's have a drink." he decides. He nods at Bambam's direction just to make sure he knows that it's okay for them to stay up a bit longer, and that he wants that too. "Let's do that."

 

A relieved smile slowly makes its way on Bambam's face. "Good." he says softly. "We'll get you cheered up, too. From whatever it is that's weighing your mind."

 

He continues to unscrew the bottle and takes a sip straight from the rim as he succeeds, grimacing and offering it to Yugyeom after. Yugyeom takes it with wide eyes and unsure hands, trying his best not to think about the indirect kiss he'll get drinking from the same bottle. He wants to know if Bambam notices it, too, or if he's just exaggerating things again as usual. It's really not that big of a deal.

 

_It isn't_ , he insists, and brings the bottle to his lips.

 

  
\--

 

  
It's not until a few too many drinks later and the third time he tries to squeeze himself into the way too small pyjama shirt that Yugyeom pauses and sighs, finally surrendering. 

 

"How can choosing the right size be this difficult." he whines. "Stupid shirt doesn't fit at all."

 

"You sure?" Bambam asks, walking out of the bathroom already washed and dressed up (or down, considering he's only in his briefs) for bed. He doesn't seem to be that affected by the vodka, seems to be better at handling all the alcohol unlike Yugyeom who's currently in a hazy sleep deprivation and booze induced trance. "Let me see." 

 

Before Yugyeom can voice out a weak word of protest, Bambam's already on his side, a puff of hot air hitting his neck as he adjusts on his place on the bed. Cool fingers brush against his as Bambam tugs the shirt from his grip. 

 

"Hands up!" he orders, and Yugyeom feels stupid, like a little kid having to get help for simply putting a shirt on. But he doesn't resist, just obeys the command and lazily brings his hands up above his head so Bambam can slide his arms through the sleeves. 

 

The neckline Bambam more than struggles to get over his head, mainly because of Yugyeom's nose that catches on the collar each time he tries to pull the shirt down, causing him to whine in discomfort and back away from the other.

 

Bambam huffs now too, frustrated. "What is the point of having a hole in a shirt if you can't even fit your head through it?" he complains. "Where's the logic?" 

 

Yugyeom lowers his hands back on his lap and the shirt falls down with them, leaving only half of his arms in the sleeves. "Maybe if I didn't have a nose -- " he starts to slur but Bambam beats him to it, already plunging forward to push a sushing finger against his lips. 

 

And oh, there it is. He's touching Yugyeom again, skin against skin, and it really shouldn't be such a big deal to Yugyeom except that it is. It is when he's drunk and head over heels in love with his best friend, and needless to say, he loses his breath for a moment as Bambam only presses his finger further.

 

"Maybe if you didn't think so lowly about your appearance, you wouldn't blame everything on it." Bambam shoots back. Yugyeom feels his cheeks heat up and pulls Bambam's hand away from his face.

 

"Are you going to help me or not?" he asks sheepishly.

 

Bambam ignores the question and twiddles with the hem of the shirt. "Why didn't you just buy a button-up instead of...whatever nightmare this is? You could have just left it open if it didn't fit."

 

"It's cold at night!" Yugyeom whines. "I couldn't just 'leave it open'." he says.

 

"It's summer, Yugyeom. You won't get cold under all that." Bambam points at his massive heap of blankets piled on the other side of the bed.

 

Well, that's true, Yugyeom reasons. But he's also drunk and wants to feel Bambam close to him so why should it matter if he gets a bit warm as long as he's got Bambam helping him struggle into the shirt. Why should anything matter as long as he's just got Bambam with him?

 

"Or, don't wear a shirt at all." Bambam shrugs. "Problem solved. It's about time you let your nipples breathe."

 

Yugyeom nearly chokes. "My nipples are  _fine_. You're the one with the suffocating clothes."

 

"Which is why I don't wear anything at night." Bambam states proudly. "Except for these." he pats his hip where the waistband of the boxers hugs his middle. Yugyeom makes the mistake of looking down, actually taking in the sight of a half naked Bambam in front of him that he didn't even realize earlier because of the much more important crisis with his pyjamas. Eyes quickly averting, Yugyeom coughs out a sound he hopes resembles a laugh, and goes to tug the rest of his shirt off.

 

"Fine," he sighs. "I suppose I can take one night of freezing to death."

 

"Good." Bambam says.

 

With that, Yugyeom stumbles to pick up his shirt, bag and the mountain of blankets with him before disappearing into his own room on the other side of the hallway. He stops at the threshold, turning to wish Bambam a goodnight but instead of a harmless phrase, a not so harmless 'I love you' is so close to blurting out of his mouth that he stutters in his words and has to pull his lips together to arrange his mind again.

 

Bambam doesn't take any notice on it, thankfully, only waves at Yugyeom from under the blankets and turns on his side as Yugyeom exits the room. 

 

When he flicks on the lights in his own bedroom, his thoughts swim immediately back on Bambam. When he's brushing his teeth and staring through himself in the mirror, he thinks of Bambam. When he's stepping out of the bathroom and taking off the rest of his clothes, leaving only the briefs on, his mind is still full of his best friend like he'd never think of anything else. It's like his brains have banned every other word but his name, blocked every other face but his. 

 

He's so in thought that when he finally decides to slump down on his bed after the exhausting evening, he lands straight on his ass.

 

Bad coordinating, he thinks at first. Except that it's not his thoughts that are making him miss the bed. 

 

Because there isn't one.

 

The room shines its emptiness. Only a small drawer sits lonely in the corner with a tiny nightstand next to it and Yugyeom frowns. There's no carpet, no curtains or any of the ugly, 'trendy' paintings hanging on the walls anymore, and it's then that Yugyeom remembers his grandparents saying they'll be taking some of their stuff away from the cottage to decorate their new apartment. 

 

Letting out an exasperated sigh, he fumbles for his blankets across the floor. Perhaps they'll be thick enough for him not to feel the hard timber under them. Perhaps he could use his shirt as a pillow so he wouldn't have to go around the eerie house looking for an air mattress. 

 

He settles on his back after finally shutting the lights off and spreading the blankets as a bed the best he can. The smell of the old wood on the floor hits his nose, the uniqueness of only this cottage he's learned to love throughout the years. With no covers by the window, the moonlight illuminates the room in shades of blue and grey and Yugyeom closes his eyes, tries to focus on something calming instead of letting his imagination run wild. 

 

He's never been proud to admit he's scared of the dark, has been ever since he was eight and Jinyoung told him there were demons in his closet. Ten years later and the fear hasn't lessened, only grown stronger with the amount of horror movies he's watched. 

 

At the daytime he'd enjoy the thrill but as soon as the sun goes down, so does his confidence. The nights Yugyeom lies wide awake in his bed are always full of regret, for a reason or another, spent in silence with him staring at the wall and just thinking, thinking, thinking about everyone in his life, everything that could be hiding in his wardrobe or under the bed while he's sleeping soundly, unaware of all that's surrounding him. 

 

And suddenly he's very much afraid. He finds himself scrambling up from his makeshift bed and quickly unplugging his phone from the charger before fleeting straight back into the hallway. Guided by his phone's flashlight, he soon reaches Bambam's door again although he knows the idea is below the worst.

 

It's not that Yugyeom's worried about Bambam not wanting to share a bed, that has never been the difficult part. The problem is how narrow the bed is, how it's only designed for one person and one person only, not having much room for another unless they're squeezed against the wall.

 

Now  _that_  is what Yugyeom's worried about.

 

But he's scared, and stupid, so he cracks the door open to step further regardless. Bambam's facing the wall with his back still towards Yugyeom so even if he is awake, at least he won't see the pathetic shaking of Yugyeom's hands in the dark or the apprehensive look he fails to hide.

 

Yugyeom tries to be discreet when he slides himself between the duvets. He tucks his feet in without a slightest of sound, not wanting to wake Bambam up and have to explain him another dumb fear he possesses. 

 

"Can't sleep?" 

 

Yugyeom jumps at the quiet whisper, knees jerking and knocking on the back of Bambam's thighs as he startles. Bambam shuffles on the bed for a moment before fully turning around to Yugyeom, and Yugyeom has to momentarily close his eyes to get used to the sudden proximity of Bambam's face just inches away. 

 

His hair falls messily on his forehead, eyes puffy and face already a bit swollen from sleep, but it's still breathtaking. It's beautiful, but also an image Yugyeom wants to forget immediately before his brains can develope an any more detailed scene of it. 

 

"I don't have a bed." Yugyeom mumbles sleepily. "I -- They took all the furniture."

 

"What?" Bambam whisper-yells as he rises on the bed and reaches across Yugyeom to check the time from his phone. The bright screen makes Yugyeom wince. "You didn't have a bed for two and a half hours and only now you're coming here?"

 

"It's fine, I built myself a fort out of blankets." Yugyeom says. "It's -- I'm just a bit scared of the dark." he admits with a shaky breath, shame already building up in his chest. It doesn't help at all that he's still drunk and feeling the alcohol in his system.

 

"Scared of the dark?" Bambam frowns. "Why?"

 

"Too many horror movies." Yugyeom answers quickly. Bambam hides a laugh into his pillow though Yugyeom can still see his shoulders shake, and can't help but chuckle as well despite his embarrassment.

 

It's then that Bambam lifts his head back up and for a briefest of second, their noses brush together. Yugyeom sobers immediately, heart jumping to his throat, pulse growing even more as he hears the hitch of breath Bambam takes in as their eyes meet. 

 

It's like the whole world is testing his patience now. There are hundreds, thousands of tiny butterflies not only filling his stomach but every other part of his body, too. And it's just not enough for him. It's never going to be enough for Yugyeom to just stare into his eyes or accidentally bump noses. He wants more. He wants so much more but he knows his dreams will stay as what they are; dreams. Knows that whatever he does, he just can't make Bambam love him because how the hell does one even do that. 

 

Well, at least he can't, and it hurts but it's the truth. And isn't truth always something that hurts the most.

 

"About my list..." Bambam swallows then. His face is even closer, Yugyeom has to almost squint to see him. "I didn't finish it."

 

"You don't have to -- "

 

"No. I didn't finish telling you what I like about you." Bambam says, determined. One of his legs hooks itself around Yugyeom's as if to secure he won't escape, bringing their bodies closer in a sort of cuddle. Yugyeom stops breathing. 

 

This time Bambam doesn't ask whether he wants to hear it or not, just holds up a finger between their faces. "One," he counts, voice so soft Yugyeom desires to know if his lips would feel the same. "I always tell jokes and act funny because I want to make you happy. I want to see you smile and lose total control because you're cute when you laugh. Minus the laugh when you sound like a horse. That's not very cute." he clarifies, chuckling quietly. "I like your dimples, too."

 

"My dimples?" Yugyeom repeats slowly, puzzled, hand coming up to trace his cheek where their place would be. Bambam nods and unfolds a second finger, the middle one. 

 

"I like your words."

 

"Words." Yugyeom parrots.

 

"Yes." Bambam confirms. "You're -- You're like a dictionary. I don't understand half of the phrases you always tell to annoy me but I still want you to repeat them because you sound so sophisticated. And I like it when you're being sophisticated like that."

 

And okay, maybe Bambam has downed a few shots more by himself while Yugyeom was having an existential crisis in the other room, because although he spews out all kinds of compliments at every possible turn, there's no way in hell Bambam would be speaking his mind out so openly like this if it wasn't for a little bit of help from the bottle. 

 

Yugyeom doesn't answer, only gives Bambam a nervous, one-sided smile and hopes for his friend to stop feeding him this platonic love that's the last thing Yugyeom wants from him.

 

"Three," Bambam brings up his ring finger. "I like your intelligence."

 

"Okay." Yugyeom nods, quiet. He doesn't dare to move or argue, doesn't dare to laugh or make everything a joke again. He can't even bother to take some space between their faces as Bambam leans a bit closer so their noses are brushing again. All he can feel is the maddening thump of his pulse in his chest, Bambam's breath on his lips as he speaks, legs still tangled together, and the moment feels so fragile that if he now were to breathe too heavily, it would break.

 

Another finger lifts up between their faces as Bambam goes on. "I like that you're brave."

 

"I'm brave?" Yugyeom asks, chest tight. 

 

"I mean, you're scared of the darkness and thunderstorms and all that but you're still here with me in the middle of nowhere because I asked you to come. Although you knew it would be difficult to you." Bambam says, pointing a finger from his other hand at Yugyeom's chest. The contact is cool against his bare skin. "Also, you're stupid because you didn't tell me about it sooner."

 

"I didn't want to ruin -- "

 

"The trip, I know. You're really sweet like that, too." Bambam bites his lip. Yugyeom doesnt look, but from the corner of his eye he can catch the skin glistening on where he'd licked it. 

 

"Five." Bambam seems to hesitate on his last finger, voice dying down into a tone almost lower than a whisper. "I like your -- " he pauses, swallowing. "I like your feelings. Your feelings in general and then those... those that are towards me?"

 

It's almost like a question. It's like Bambam's asking him for a confirmation instead of stating a fact and it fucks with Yugyeom's mind because shit, he never meant for him to find out. Bambam's looking at him with a small glint in his eyes Yugyeom can differentiate in the dark and his mind blanks as he takes in a shaky breath. 

 

"M-My feelings -- " he stumbles. "My feelings towards y -- "

 

"Do you have those?"

 

"Do I have what?" Yugyeom gulps. He feels stupid. So, so stupid.

 

"Feelings." Bambam clarifies although he knows Yugyeom understands exactly what he means.

 

"I have a lot of feelings." Yugyeom says.

 

"I know." Bambam says. "I know." He licks his lips again, and this time Yugyeom's gaze falls straight into the trap, a plump, sweet trap that allures him more with every passing second, every passing moment he has to spend in the same bed with Bambam.

 

"Doesn't it feel like something we're trying to tiptoe around?" Bambam asks. His voice isn't even careful anymore. It's strained, like he's forcing himself to talk and shut up at the same time. "Talking about them. The feelings. Yours and -- " he pauses, looks straight into Yugyeom's eyes. "m-mine, too."

 

"Your fee -- okay." Yugyeom gapes, opening and closing his mouth like he has something to say, but doesn't. It's like he's lost his ability to speak, to use his internal vocabulary or even form proper words. There's nothing but an empty canvas in his mind. 

 

No, there's meters of empty canvas, and those millions of racing thoughts he'd gathered throughout all the years have suddenly all gone and evaporated, leaving Yugyeom alone with his white fabric but no paint.

 

In the state of panic, he knows no better than to detach himself from Bambam, to untangle his legs from his and slide away from under the covers, away from the heat. The somewhat hopeful expression on Bambam's face quickly fades into confusion, disappointment, frustration, into something Yugyeom's never seen before and he feels the immediate guilt of hurting his best friend pierce his guts.

 

It brings him back to the early days of their high school years, when they'd had their first fight and Yugyeom had slammed the door to Bambam's hurt face after some completely unnecessary comments about their friendship. As soon as two hours later, he'd apologized with a red face and teary eyes, and Bambam had held his shaky hand on the bottom of their shared bunk bed, promising Yugyeom that it was all okay and that he knew Yugyeom didn't mean any of it. 

 

Still, the feeling stayed. It made itself at home deep in Yugyeom's mind and pestered him at every chance it got. The guilt was eating him alive, covering him in doubt and he didn't have what it took to make it go away and stay gone. 

 

It was the first time he'd called for an appointment with his doctor and asked for a referral to a therapist. It was the first time he'd cried in public, the first time he'd admitted to loving Bambam, not only to the person sitting on the other side of the table but to himself as well. And the struggle has been ongoing ever since.

 

"Do you know why I tell you all these?" Bambam suddenly sits up on the bed, pushing the blankets on Yugyeom's lap and leaving them there. Yugyeom hugs the bundle to his chest and looks up at him, trying not to cry as all the bottled up emotions of the night slowly start to ease themselves loose from their restraints. "Do you?"

 

"I -- "

 

"I'm not doing this just to make you feel better about yourself." The statement comes before Yugyeom can answer, Bambam looking genuinely worried about him sinking into the mattress. "I wouldn't go this far just to lie to you."

 

"I know." Yugyeom gulps. "I know you'd never do that."

 

A warm palm grasps Yugyeom's own and tugs it free from under the blankets, laces their fingers together. "Then can we talk?" Bambam asks. His careful tone still allows Yugyeom to back away and say no but it's so soft, soft enough for Yugyeom to nod against the pillows and squeeze Bambam's hand in reassurance.

 

And suddenly he feels like pulling Bambam back down and curling up into a ball beside him to just relax in his arms. He wants to open his eyes after rubbing the sleep out of them and find out he's not alone, wants Bambam next to him every night he goes to sleep and every morning he wakes up. He wants to be honest and forsake the lies he's been coping with so far, tired of his insides squeezing so painfully whenever he slips from the healthy, conscious mindset into the uncomfortable pit of darkness. And --

 

"Are you crying?" 

 

"What?" 

 

Startled, Yugyeom tries to bring his other hand up to hide his now wet cheeks at the same time Bambam reaches for him too, and their hands collide in the middle. Both of them withdraw their own in the speed of light before Bambam tries again, wipes his thumb under Yugyeom's eye and leaves it resting on the side of his face. 

 

"We don't have to talk tonight if you don't feel like it." he says. "There's always tomorrow."

 

Yugyeom grabs Bambam's wrist as he makes an attempt to pull it away. "No." 

 

"No?" Bambam repeats.

 

"Please don't stop." 

 

It's not until Bambam looks down at him with hooded eyes, lips pulled into a line that Yugyeom wants to eat his words right back as he realizes the possible implication of them, cheeks heating up under Bambam's palm.

 

But Bambam's stays where he is, doesn't even budge. His eyes glaze shiny like glass, like he'd be a second away from crying, too, and if Yugyeom really squinted, he could probably see his own reflection in the deepest parts of his pupils. 

 

He stays stroking Yugyeom's cheek like in trance, wiping away the rest of his tears, occasional fingertips curling under his jaw and tickling his earlobe that makes Yugyeom's soul nearly leave his body. If it wasn't for the heavy timber roof above them, he'd probably be flying in clouds. 

 

Flying, Yugyeom sighs.

 

That's what it feels like to have Bambam beside him. There's finally a word for it. It feels free, careless, even dangerous in some ways Yugyeom has yet to name, but the fresh breeze and the continuous storms whirling inside of him every time their eyes meet is probably already considered as something like that.

 

Flying means being up in the air, means holding tight onto the person you're with so you won't lose them in the turbulence or the abrupt changes of weather. It means being close and sharing the little space you have, and since Yugyeom is afraid of such heights, it only means that much more to him, to have Bambam right by where he is.

 

They grow closer, the wind pushes them together and to their limits but they have their arms linked and parachutes ready. Bambam leans over him in a hushed whisper Yugyeom has a hard time hearing through the wind blowing in his ears, deafening him for a moment, but he ends up back on the ground nevertheless.

 

That's when they collide.

 

The brush of their lips together is barely there but Yugyeom feels it. They meet in the middle in a short peck, testing the waters, feeling each other's soft skin against their own. And as if Bambam was a magnet, Yugyeom follows him up, cranes his neck just enough for it to be a good distance for Bambam to lean closer and close the space between them again.

 

All the butterflies, tornados and riptides break loose in Yugyeom's body and he whimpers into the press of Bambam's lips on his, relieved that it's him he's giving his first kiss to, safely inside a cottage in the woods and tangled up under a blanket, experiencing the impossible.

 

The hand on his cheek moves up and under his hair, fingers mixing in and getting a satisfying grip of the strands before gently tugging upwards, just a little, but it's enough for Yugyeom to whine again. It's not too needy or lustful. It's a noise he makes when he's content with what he has, and right now it's Bambam's fingers in his hair and lips against his.

 

Though reluctant, Bambam is the first to break it off. Their feet are finally on the ground, parachutes lying flat beside them and they're smiling. They're both smiling, big and emotional until they bring their foreheads together, softly breathing out and balancing their racing hearts again. 

 

"Can I add a thing?" Bambam whispers, brushing Yugyeom's hair back and adjusting it so it barely stays tucked behind his ears. "I want to add a thing to my list."

 

Yugyeom licks his lips, still tasting the peppermint on them. Bambam attempts to tug his tongue between two of his fingers during the brief second it peeks out but fails and ends up pinching Yugyeom's bottom lip instead, making him startle in surprise but break into a shy smile right after. He sees the way Bambam looks at him, impatient as if he had a burning question on his tongue he's just too afraid to ask.

 

"You're a good kisser." Bambam finally says. "I'll add that to the list. I can feel your genuineness through it, it's -- Can I kiss you again?"

 

Yugyeom looks up at him, pulls him down by an arm until they're on the same level and whispers, "It's the same as earlier, Bam. You know you don't need to ask."

 

The smile on Bambam's face grows as he leans on his elbow to lean over Yugyeom, but instead of aiming at the lips, he's pecking his cheek like he usually does. That's what they've always done, habitually given congratulation and goodbye kisses on each other's cheeks on a regular basis. 

 

The next kiss is planted on his forehead which Yugyeom himself has done once before when their friends dared him to give Bambam a kiss on his face with bright red lipstick during a ruthless game of truth and dare. The framed photo secretly taken of them still stands on the edge of Yugyeom's fireplace at home.

 

The third kiss is directed on the corner of his mouth, not quite in the middle yet. The only time that has happened was when Bambam had surged forward a bit too excitedly after being admitted to the same university as Yugyeom. It was meant to be a kiss on the cheek but he slipped lower, just beside Yugyeom's lips. Yugyeom had nearly dropped his phone on the concrete when Bambam didn't even seem to notice the close mishap.

 

"I do remember that accidental almost-kiss." Bambam hums next to him as if he'd read Yugyeom's mind, a slight grin tugging his lips up. Yugyeom's throat runs dry at the mention of it, of the thought that Bambam remembers as much as he does. "I could literally hear you thinking about it."

 

"Was it -- " Yugyeom swallows. "On purpose? Back then, was it on purpose?"

 

"No," Bambam smiles, leaning down to peck the other side too. "But these last two definitely were. I finally got to recreate the one from a year ago."

 

Yugyeom shortly giggles with Bambam until a light bulb pops above his head, lips turning into a pout over what he stops to think about. "You said you'd date someone like me..."

 

Bambam tilts his head a little, mocking Yugyeom's thoughtful face and getting a light hearted slap on his arm before leaning down one last time and planting a peck in the middle of Yugyeom's lips. Yugyeom follows suit, opening his mouth to capture Bambam into a proper kiss. The drunkenness has faded into sobriety yet he still feels drunk in love. 

 

"Do you know..." Bambam sighs into Yugyeom's neck when they part before lifting his head up again, fluffy blonde hair falling over his eyes. "I would really much like to date someone like you. Do you now believe that there's more to you than just your name?"

 

"I -- " Yugyeom splutters, totally dumbfounded now that his emotions have calmed down a bit, having to almost pinch himself in order to make sure he's not been dreaming everything in the uncomfort of his makeshift bed.

 

"You can answer in the morning." Bambam assures him. Yugyeom smiles at him with gratitude, glad that Bambam understands him, whether it's the long paragraphs or short signs and cut off sentences. They understand each other, and perhaps now Yugyeom finally dares to wish for Bambam to wake up next to him, too.

 

"I'll make a list to you as well." Yugyeom promises in a mumble before falling asleep curled up around Bambam. And with the last bits of energy he still has in his limbs, Bambam reaches to look at the clock.

 

4:16.

 

He snaps a picture of himself and edits the time and date in. In the corner of the cropped picture, he can still see a tuft of Yugyeom's hair peeking under the blanket that he's tugged over himself, and he tags Yugyeom in it before publishing it on his Instagram account. Another picture he takes he sends to Yugyeom privately with a pink heart rounding the outline of his head through the blanket.

 

With a final glance at Yugyeom, Bambam slides in between the covers too, throwing an arm over the other's waist and carefully removing the distracting hair off his face with another hand.

 

Both asleep, the phone pings and lightens up on the bedside table with two more notifications of messages.

 

4:53  
Jackson: _Did you tell him?_

 

5:03  
Jackson: [shared a picture from Bambam1a] _Have fun lover boys!! I'll take this as a yes!!_

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Firstly, thank you so much for reading! <33 I mixed in a lot of my previous short scribbles as well as new ideas, and tried to build a storyline around them. The plot mainly focuses on Yugyeom and his way of thinking, hence the many paragraphs only about how his mind works hehe. My first intention was to have smut in this too but after certain points of writing, I thought it would've only ruined the atmosphere I had created so far. 
> 
> If there are any questions, confusions or overall opinions of OYSCMM, feel free to comment your thoughts! Anything's welcome!
> 
> -C <3


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